i was looking on my computer through my archive of promotional atmosphir videos when i stumbled across a Jumpstart episode dated 01/10/10, aptly titled [LOST EPISODE]. i have no memory of watching a Jumpstart episode on that date or downloading it, so right off the bat something is mysterious about this file, as i have no idea how it got on my computer. i decide to open it, figuring "hey, whats the worst that could happen?" but little did i know i was in for the ride of my life.
the file almost crashes my computer upon opening; every process i had open at the moment went irresponsive for at least a solid 10 seconds as my computer struggled to open and decode the video file, which had a unique file extension from the rest of the videos in my jumpstart folder. eventually the video starts. there's some glitchiness and what almost looks like VHS residue toward the start of the intro. not only that, but the intro music sounds like it's being played on some old-timey vinyl record player that's repeatedly getting bumped into. the intro has this strange, uncomfortable, immediately off-putting feeling that only makes you wish it was over. after what feels like an eternity, the intro finally clears and, well, there he is. my handsome boy. the sunshine of my life. David Werner himself is standing in front of the classic Jumpstart backdrop, with atmosphir concept art and development screenshots lining the wall in that haphazard, yet eccentric and inviting manner. but something seems off about our host, our star, our main man; dave doesn't look too much like himself today. he looks tired, stressed, unshaven.
i decide to ignore this, because "eh, everyone has their off-days." there's a dead silence for about 5 seconds before david greets the viewers with as much faux-enthusiasm as he can muster with a "hey guys how's it going this is dave and welcome to another episode of jumpstart." he goes on to explain the most recent design challenge before going into the results of it. i notice at this point that it's not just dave who doesn't seem like usual, but the video itself has a unique vibe, and not in a good way. in general the video is fairly low-quality compared to the other jumpstarts, but not only that, the lighting has a different, more unpleasant flavor to it. i felt like i was watching a cheap knockoff of a jumpstart. i commit to watching the rest of the video, because at this point my intrigue has gotten the best of me.
"well uhhh first off, at number ten, we have Munchy's Treasure Ship 2010 by Munchy. its a pretty good level. you see, you're in like a pirate ship and you have to colle-" dave stops himself mid-sentence and directs his attention to something off-screen. a faint, but stern voice can be heard saying something to dave. dave looks back at the camera, noticeably unnerved, and tries his best to continue as normal. "nevermind. at number nine we have Mists Of Wagnoliagula by Wowfunhappy. fun level. i liked it. at number eight we have Xyherga by Telmac. it's a neat level with interesting concepts, theres a portion of the level dedicated to pushing a box alo-" the voice is heard again, this time more agitated. dave looks frustrated, and goes off-screen, to the right. there's silence for about 8 seconds before two voices, dave's and the one from before, can be heard in an incomprehensible altercation. I sit in awe, wondering if this is a scripted gag or if there actually was conflict in MiSt-land. one can only hope for the former. the voices grow louder and louder, but still not clear enough to make out any words, before silence. plain silence. the voice from earlier mutters something barely loud enough to pick up, and footsteps can be heard. a door shuts.
David returns to the view of the camera, more anxious-looking than ever, and looks at the camera with a shocking feeling of sincerity. "it's okay my little ones. everything is going to be okay now." he says in a hushed tone, but immediately after, i could tell he knew he was lying. his eyes looked like those of someone who has seen the future and it is a bleak, painful one. at this point the video is practically oozing dark psychic energy.he takes a moment to collect his composure before continuing down the list of contest winners. everything is going fine, better than before, until he gets to number three.
"at number three we have Bitter Wind by Papaya. its a snow level, and.... uhhh.... theres a lot of jumping. you.... jump to things. in the........
there's even more silence. it feels like dave has given up with the task at hand. he collects papers off the desk in front of him and shifts them into a near-orderly stack. dave, with his eyes still focused on the papers, brings one hand to his hip and the other through his ruffled hair. he lets out a long, troubled sigh. and then... it happens.
dave looks the camera dead in the eyes and says "fuck."
how could this happen?? i'm literally crying at this point. im terrified. dave isnt supposed to say that!!! atmosphir is a fun game for kids and hes not supposed to say that word!!!!! i dont want to watch the video anymore. dave continues to look at the camera, and he looks upset. but he doesn't look like he's looking at the camera, or at something off-screen; he looks like he's looking at me. the sole viewer of this supposedly lost video. dave is angry with me, like he just got home at thanksgiving to find that i've munched down the entire succulent turkey, the turkey he bought with his hard-earned money, and now he won't get to have any. dave is PISSED. he's still looking at the camera, and he looks almost like he's shaking. his breathing becomes louder and his anger feels like it's about to come to a breaking point. i try to close the window, but it doesn't work. the video keeps playing. i want off mr. werner's wild ride.
david, now enraged, LEAPS onto the table in front of him and appears to reach into the camera. i jump and fall backwards in my chair, thinking dave werner is going to jump through my computer monitor and kick my ass, but nothing happens. there's 20 seconds of harsh static, and then my computer just shuts down abruptly and completely. i'm too shaken to dare to turn it back on, and instead i go to bed, unable to sleep for hours.
the next morning i turn on my computer and wince before double-clicking on my jumpstart folder. there is no episode from 01/10/10, no episode titled [LOST EPISODE]. the file has disappeared without a trace. i look over my right shoulder and there's a sKELETON HOLY FUCKING SHIT ITS SANS UNDERTALE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Re: atmosphir tryhardscarystory (by Rattle) (ACTUALLY, IT'S KINDA SFW kids-who-swear+ ONLY!!!!) (smash dat like buton)
I found it funny, especially the ending. also too many ..................................................................
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